It was primarily through my connection with other cross-dressers that I finally came to understand and accept myself. Eventually I stopped viewing CDing as a dreadful secret to guard. Still, the nearly unanimous advice of my correspondents was to never tell anyone. Their reasoning was that I would lose everyone and everything dear to me.
I had started the correspondence because I couldn't stand the pain and hypocrisy of hiding my true self. My marriage was built on trust and open communication, yet I found myself withholding a significant portion of myself from the person I loved most. That situation could not be allowed to continue if my marriage was to be rich and fulfilling. So, for me, there were no options. I had to tell, the only question was how?
I felt compelled to understand and accept myself before unveiling my feelings because I was too uncertain of myself to proceed. I was afraid that if I told Marsha when I felt badly about myself, I would communicate those misgivings and she would likely view this as a very negative situation. So, I had to understand my feelings before I could consider sharing them. It required over a year of reading, correspondence and introspection before I was ready to talk. Meanwhile I was very careful not to be discovered while cross-dressed because that would have been nearly impossible to explain.
Once I became comfortable with my feelings, my focus shifted to looking for the right time, place and manner to tell. During a casual conversation, the speech that I had been planning came tumbling out. This unrehearsed event turned out to be the right time, place and manner for me.
I explained that cross-dressing has been a part of me since childhood and cannot be set aside. I explained that it is related to the softness and gentleness she finds desirable in me. We talked often after that to help her understand and to calm and dispel her fears. Yes, I will remain your husband, not become your girlfriend. No, I won't do anything to jeopardize our existing lives. Yes, we will agree in advance about any steps I wish to take. No, I am not attracted to other men. Mostly, I just confirmed that I loved her with all my heart and that our marriage is so important that I will do whatever is necessary to protect it. Freely sharing our innermost thoughts and fears allowed us to resolve the issues.
Even though we have a strong bond, working through the issues was difficult. It was an intense, arduous struggle. Sometimes it seemed easier to stop talking, but success requires a never-ending willingness to be open and discuss all the questions. We continually relied on our love, friendship and open communication.
For all the hard work, the benefits are incredible. I finally stopped hiding, stopped pretending and started being myself. It was the greatest period of personal growth I have ever experienced.
Telling my wife turned out favorably, but the process is not without risk. Successfully sharing important news requires a strong commitment to each other. If love and commitment are present, there is a willingness to work out problems. A nurturing relationship is a partnership, where both members help each other, where nothing is off limits, where no problem including cross-dressing is out of bounds and where anything can be handled in a win/win fashion.
If the relationship is in trouble, it needs work before discussing this subject and you might consider professional marriage counseling. Don't make the mistake of proceeding if your foundation is shaky because the revelation of transvestism can provide a convenient excuse to break the relationship.
Caution and thoughtful action are imperative so you might want to consider some questions:
What is the emotional impact on yourself and your relationship of continued hiding?
What happens to your self-esteem if you do or don't tell?
How important is it to be loved and accepted by a few people who truly know you compared to being superficially "accepted" by many?
How is trust, caring, commitment and personal growth involved in this question?
Assuming you understand yourself and have a strong relationship, sharing your cross-dressing story can work if you personally believe it is the right thing to do. You must be convinced that the potential value outweighs the risks. If you have lingering doubts, clarify your feelings. Consider professional help if necessary, but don't let anyone force you into a decision.
Listen to my wise old buddy Davey Crockett, "Make sure you're right, then go ahead!"
