At times it seems that the favorite words of many cross-dressers are "Yes, but."
Yes, I'd like to be accepted as I am, but that will never happen in today's society.
Yes, I want to be free to dress as a woman, but I would lose my job if I did.
Yes, I'd like to help others, but I just don't have the time.
Yes, I'd like to assist my local organization, but I don't have any skills.
Yes, I agree, but I can't.
As long as we continue to follow the yes/but formula, nothing will change and we will be the losers. Society certainly doesn't care if we remain repressed so we must run out of excuses and scapegoats and take responsibility for our destiny if our conditions are to improve.
There is an element of truth in each of the yes/but statements, but the problem is that the statements are being used as an excuse for our inaction. Instead of continuing in the yes/but mode, why not try a more constructive approach. Try thinking and saying, "I can do that if..." or "I can't do that, but I can do this if..." From the can/if perspective, new choices of action become possible. Instead of focusing on why we can't do something, we begin to focus on steps we can take that make a difference.
We begin to change things when we initiate positive actions and treat others the way we want to be treated. We must act first because waiting for others to change is like the old Pennsylvania railroad law -- if two trains approach on intersecting tracks, both shall stop and neither shall proceed until the track is clear. I can envision two trains that reached an intersection in 1898 and, since neither can move until the track is clear, are both still waiting for the other to move. There is no value in waiting for society's train to take the action we desire.
Our gender community has an interesting parallel in the plight of the Black community. They feel the impact of discrimination and often despair because there is no lasting solution in sight; however, there are a growing number of leaders who advocate individual effort within the mainstream to change society. We too can rely on our individual effort to change society rather than complaining about its shortcomings.
Those same leaders advocate creating a collective identity while retaining diversity. They seek an end of repression based on race and see personal development as their highest challenge. We too can establish a collective identity and encourage diversity at the same time. We too can work to end repression based on gender stereotypes while developing ourselves.
While admitting that beneath surface acceptance there remains a pool of residual racism, progressive leaders point out the enormous range of opportunities. They urge taking advantage of these opportunities to create a new society where they can enjoy equal membership. While admitting the existence of prejudice we too can create a new inclusive society.
We can make all those improvements and there is no better place to start than within our own gender community. When you consider how we put each other down, it's clear that we need improving. Some of us don't accept those who dress or act differently. Some don't accept those who dress in a sexually explicit fashion. Some cross-dressers don't accept homosexuals. Some transsexuals don't accept transvestites. Some organizations don't accept members with different views. Some leaders don't accept the leaders of other organizations. Far too often we treat each other worse than society treats us. This prejudicial behavior isn't true of everyone but it is far too prevalent to ignore. How can we expect the rest of society to treat us well if we don't treat each other well? All they have to do to justify rejecting us is to follow our own provincial actions. If we are intolerant of those who don't meet our expectations, how can we possibly hope that mainstream society will be tolerant of us when we most certainly don't meet their expectations.
The strangest thing is that we have so much in common, yet we tend to focus on those aspects that differentiate the other person from ourselves. We belong to the gender community and that fact alone should be enough to unite us, yet our common bonds run far deeper than that. We live in the same political system and enjoy religious freedom. We work in the same economic environment and share similar dreams, aspirations, doubts and fears for ourselves and our children. We even share the same fast foods, television sitcoms and bad jokes. With all of that in common, our differences don't seem quite as significant.
As we set out to improve ourselves, we need to set reasonable expectations. Most of us want any problems resolved by this afternoon so everything will be wonderful by dinner time. I would love to say that we could achieve our goals quickly, but our rate of progress is much more likely to be slow and steady like a waddling turtle. Quick fixes are generally quick but are rarely fixes because meaningful, lasting change takes time.
The challenge to treat others as you want to be treated means starting with the idea that it is your turn. Accept others as they are, not as you think they should be. Give everybody the same chance you want for yourself. Your words and actions make a difference. Your efforts will help to create a real gender community where we transcend our individual differences while demonstrating our interdependence.
All you have to do to make progress is to heed the words of James B. Conant -- "Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."
All you need to do is just stick your neck out a little bit farther...
