For most of my life I was very good at fooling people with the masks that I wore. Everyone thought they knew me, but they only knew the parts of me that I let them see. They were never allowed to see any sign of my cross-dressing. My mask made me appear confident and secure while inside I was confused, afraid and alone. I was convinced that I could never allow my "weakness" to be exposed. I was terrified by the thought that somehow someone would look me in the eye and see the truth, the truth that I desperately sought to hide. So I built an impenetrable facade that no one could pierce. Hiding became such an integral part of me that I was no longer able to be myself even with myself. The real Richard was banished from open existence. After hiding so long even I no longer knew the truth about me.
Eventually I realized that the only way to be liberated from my self-imposed prison was to freely allow someone inside the barriers I had so painstakingly erected. But what if I let someone in and they didn't accept me? What if they rejected me and laughed? That would really confirm that I was a bad person. So I kept my mask on, hid my fears and continued to play my pretending game. The idyllic life that observers saw was nothing but a hard, crusty shell that hid an interior of pain and anguish. I hated hypocrisy yet excelled at its practice with my endless parade of masks.
Predictably, desperation arrived and began ripping at my carefully constructed facade. I could not, I would not, continue to live like this. Richard had to come out and no rationalization was effective in continuing to suppress him. I reached out to other cross-dressers and, with the compassion that can only come from true understanding, they extended their arms and helped me set my masks aside and explore without judgment. They encouraged me, the me I'd kept so carefully hidden, out into the sunlight -- squinting and covering my eyes, but in the sunshine for the first time. They understood me. They accepted me. They gave me the strength to begin to understand and accept myself.
Through their sensitivity and compassion I finally found the courage to share myself fully with my wife Marsha. She couldn't possibly understand in the beginning, but she loved me and love is stronger than the strongest walls. She helped me to beat down my walls with firm but gentle hands. When my walls and masks finally came down, Richard was free to discover the bliss of becoming one complete person.
That's my story and also the core story of many others in the gender community. Most cross-dressers have traveled this horrifying right of passage and nearly all started out feeling lost and alone. Unless we do something different, the next generation will be required to follow the same destructive path. So, if we are to end the "Era of the Mask," what ought we do? And who is this we? Well, this message only applies to two groups of people -- those who have issues regarding cross-dressing and those who have resolved some of those issues. Each of them have a role in the solution.
If you have issues, for your health and well-being, contact your local chapter's support group and begin a dialog. There are members who can talk with you one-on-one, in a group or refer you to professionals if needed. They can help you find answers because they understand -- they have felt your pain. If you prefer, participate in a pen pal program. My therapy was delivered very effectively through the US Postal Service. The Internet offers more options for the computer literate to reach out for help. Whatever your situation, quality help is available. There is no longer a reason to continue to suffer in quiet desperation.
If you have resolved some of the issues (no you don't have to have everything worked out, only some small part of it), consider joining your chapter's support group or pen pals as a helping resource. You can understand and relate to the needs of the other person and can help them to health by sharing what you have already learned. If your chapter doesn't have a support group, consider starting one. It is our healing life blood.
"Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone.
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on.
...Have you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?"
The Stranger
by Billy Joel
