My desire to cross-dress and act out a feminine role had become clear, but a book by Daphne Rose Kingma, The Men We Never Knew, opened my eyes to new possibilities. Ms Kingma is a psychotherapist with significant experience working with men who have difficulty handling emotions. Her work confirms that women desire an intimate relationship with men yet often feel they haven't been able to establish it. They end up berating men for their insensitivity and aloofness. Rather than continuing this mutually destructive path, she says women need to understand that men have feelings. Men have been victimized by society's insistence on hiding their softer traits. Women can build bridges to their desired intimate relationships by making it safe for their man to explore and express his emotions.
Think about that. Women want intimate relationships with men. That intimacy requires men to be in touch with their feelings. Most men have difficulty dealing with their feelings. Who would argue with that? There appears to be a higher level of sensitivity, compassion, feeling and caring in our community compared to the general male population. We don't seem to have as many macho-male bull-dozers. What does that mean? It means that, in general, we are more in touch with our emotions and feelings. It also means that we are closer to being able to provide the intimate relationships women want. That is great news because we could become the vanguard of a significant social improvement.
What if we understood that integrating our softer side into our lives was what women want from us? Would we have a more positive view of ourselves?
What if women understood that the underlying softness that led us into dressing and acting differently is also a key to achieving intimacy? Would they be more supportive of us?
What if we integrated the male propensity to act and the female propensity to feel to create an intimate relationship with our spouse or significant other? Would that form the basis of a new standard for being human?
We can make those "What ifs" come true by modifying our behavior. Sometimes we choose not to acknowledge certain aspects of ourselves because we don't like or are uncomfortable with them. We are afraid to open our closet doors and look inside. For a long time I worried about what devils were lurking in my inner darkness. I tried to deny their existence but that didn't make them go away. The way to freedom was to open the door, turn on the light and confront the devils with eyes of understanding. My fears were far worse than anything that I found.
Some people tried to point out my short comings and tell me that I didn't quite fit the acceptable mold. They tried to get me to deny who I was by making me believe that I was not good enough. That is a lie, and it is the lie that drags people down. The problem is not who I am. The problem is denying who I am.
When we face the truth, we find that we are better than we thought and often start to fix the things we don't like about ourselves. By tearing down the walls we hide behind, we start to build those intimate relationships. Some of us have wished to wake up in the body of a woman. Then we could be happy. That is not likely to happen. Instead of wishing for the impossible to occur, we need to accept ourselves as we are.
The remaining question that must be answered is, "Who are you?" If you shed all the imposed male images, preconceived notions, impossible dreams and facades, who would you be? Not who you think you should be, not who society says you should be but who you really are. Don't be blinded by your fantasies, just recognize them. Don't judge what you think or feel as good or bad, just find the truth.
How would you describe yourself, your emotions, your feelings, what you enjoy doing?
What is your personal vision of life and how does your view of gender fit?
What relationships do you want?
What do you want to achieve in life and what stops you from getting it?
What can you do to overcome those barriers?
Are You Ready? Good. Then Begin!
