After enduring the exploration of sexuality you probably think that you're done. That's what I thought when I began my journey of self discovery. My burning question had been sexuality and with that under control I thought my task was completed. At that point that I began to realize that sex wasn't the only issue about dressing in women's clothing. I discovered that the core issue was much deeper than sex or clothes. It's about bringing all of the separate components of myself together to become a whole person.
Our letters, magazines and books often discuss the duality or polarization of our nature; the separation of feminine gender traits from the male sex. It's as though two distinct people inhabit our bodies, and we must let that ‘little girl’ locked inside of us get out. Many suggest that if we dress, makeup and act like women everything will be fine. I believe it is this concept of duality that gets us into trouble.
We aren't two separate people. We are one person. We become fragmented by compartmentalizing ourselves. One compartment is a man and exhibits traditional masculine traits. The other compartment strives to imitate a woman and exhibits traditional feminine traits. We learned previously that customs dictate appropriate clothing for men and women. Customs also dictate character traits. Our culture has created a firm but arbitrary link between sex and gender. That link has caused enormous problems, but it can also serve as a powerful unifying force. Our greatest common bond is that each of us in our own way is trying to bend, shift, stretch or break that culturally enforced link between sex and gender.
We lose our common bond and diffuse our energy when we focus on alternative terminology or attach different meanings to the same words. We are actually quite close in our thinking, and it's often just words that get in the way. Terms and concepts such as androgyny, alternative gender expression, the third sex and transgendered share a common theme. They promote creating our own unique blend of traits and characteristics to become whole. All we need do is support each others right of self-expression.
This picture contrasts the separation and incompleteness inherent in the philosophy of duality with the rich fullness of becoming a whole person. It shows our masculine and feminine gender traits merging to form the person we were created to be. Striving for that joy of wholeness motivates me to make difficult changes. Be careful. That joy is highly contagious. Reading this material may cause you to become infected.
Have you ever asked yourself what it means to be a man? For all of our supposed advances in sophistication, why do key elements of the macho male syndrome remain with us? Men don't do anything that remotely suggests of femininity. That's sissy stuff, stuff for girls. We relentlessly repudiate and devalue femininity because allowing it to be part of us makes us less of a man. Our manhood is measured by power, wealth and success. Competition is our general philosophy of life. The winner is the one who dies with the most toys, and we MUST WIN! We exude an aura of daring and aggression. Show no softness or sympathy. Crush any obstacle. A real man never asks for help. He is reserved, cool, unflappable, tough, in control. He is dependable in a crisis. He never, under any circumstances, reveals his true feelings.
Sound familiar? We've all seen countless versions of that behavior model that has made emotional wrecks of men everywhere and has caused untold damage to those around us. Men suffer nearly any consequence to avoid being anything like a woman. That behavior borders on terminal stupidity.
I am a man. Society says men should be strong. I have feelings. Society says feelings reveal softness and softness is only for women. How can I be a man and have feelings? Our culture pressures me to create two separate persons. I act outwardly as a man. When I want to express my feelings, I adopt my female persona. If I don't keep them separate society shows disapproval. No wonder I've separated myself. Do I want to separate myself? No. Is it best for me? No. They say that if I show my feelings others will surely take advantage of me. So I must protect myself and never let anyone see how I feel. Isn't it strange that no matter how badly it hurts me, I still cling to that perverted macho male syndrome that lacks any semblance of balance? Why do I do that???
Society labels clothing and behavior as either masculine or feminine even though in the majority of cases they are neither. We like things to be black or white and try to make everything an either/or choice. News Flash - the world isn't black and white but an infinite variety of shades of gray. Most things are a continuous line rather than two extreme points.
A person can occupy any point and exhibit parts of A and parts of B to varying degrees. As circumstances change his balance point changes. The key is to achieve a solid balance between A and B, not to choose one or the other. BALANCE IS THE KEY!
Masculinity and femininity is on such a continuum. We create greater balance in our lives by integrating the dual aspects of our nature. We are part male and female, part active and passive, part dominant and submissive, part A and B. All of these parts contribute to the total and we become healthier when we stop denying or judging parts, and accept all of them. Therapists advise that striving for wholeness is the healthiest path to reaching our potential. A fundamental principle of Eastern religions and philosophies stresses oneness and balance, since the way we think, what we believe and how we act determines our health. How healthy can it be to separate ourselves into male and female compartments? How healthy can it be to only enter the female compartment secretly?
Can only women be appreciative, caring, compassionate, considerate, gentle, gracious, sensitive, soft, sympathetic? Rather than defining the difference between men and women, these qualities should simply be considered human. Perhaps the male of the species, while wielding power and control, isn't such a healthy human after all. Maybe men should be more like women; better integrated and better balanced.
I felt good about the results of my exploration of sexuality, and my work shifted to another difficult question, Who am I emotionally? Who is inside under the facade that I show to the world? Is my true self so hidden that even I wouldn't recognize him?
My journey began five years ago as I approached that magical age of 50. Like many men I had repressed my true feelings, but I finally began to examine them in the hope of understanding myself. As I released my carefully guarded anxieties I found that I could stop pretending to be macho. I didn't have to hide my doubts and fears. I gradually came to understand that I had feelings of softness, tenderness and compassion and that was okay. I could cry and that was okay. I could even hug another man and that was okay too. Having and expressing these feelings didn't stop me from being a man but actually made me more human. Showing these feelings was healthy and friends and family responded positively. Rather than the world collapsing around my ears, it expanded and became more fulfilling. In the past I denied these feelings because I thought someone might disapprove and ended up the loser. Now I'm finding out how we can all be winners.
I came to realize that while I am a transvestite, that term alone is too limiting to describe me. To put that part of me into the proper perspective I had to describe the complex aspects of my character. So I wrote a short piece to answer one simple but crucial question, "Who am I?"
I am a person!
I am a person who has strong spiritual beliefs, who loves his wife and is committed to his marriage.
I am a person who values his family and friends.
I am a person who delights in children and childlike things and knows that being a grandfather is one of the greatest experiences of life.
I am a person who is sensitive, caring and compassionate.
I am a person who believes in personal responsibility and is committed to working hard and doing a good job.
I am a person who enjoys good food and fine wines
(plus beer, pizza and ice cream).
I am a person who brings humor to the workplace and elsewhere.
I am a person who works at physical conditioning and enjoys long distance running.
I am a person who is fond of animals, especially cats.
I am a person who is discovering an appreciation of theater and the arts and who is learning to express his enjoyment of decorating, color, fabrics and textures.
I am also a person who enjoys wearing clothing that society views as feminine.
Most important of all,
I AM A PERSON!
When I described all of those aspects of myself, it placed transvestism in a more balanced perspective. Cross dressing doesn't define who I am but it is an integral part of who I am.
Have you ever tried to place transvestism into a balanced perspective in your life?
Do you think you should?
