After passing through the first stage of sexual discovery I was certain that I wasn't a transsexual. If you can positively say that you are a transsexual then there is no reason to continue on this path of sexual exploration, but you do need to decide what to do about your discovery. If you know that you aren't a transsexual or if you aren't certain, then you still have work to do. The next question wasn't any easier – Was I a homosexual?
I understood a homosexual as a person with a definite preferential sexual attraction to persons of the same sex. For a man the question is – Do you want to have sex with another man rather than a woman? Society tends to brand any male who wears women's clothing as a homosexual. That outlook made me uncomfortable, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I tried to disregard the stereotypical views that I had listened to in the past and find out how I felt independent of what others said.
Even though I liked to wear women's clothing I did not feel attracted to men. I was attracted to women. Simply dressing like a woman didn't mean that I wanted to sleep with a man. Actually, the more I cross-dressed the more I confirmed my attraction to women. If men truly didn't interest me how could I be homosexual? The answer was that I couldn't. The answer was so simple that I wondered why it was so hard to find out. Why was I afraid of even asking myself the question? I had previously convinced myself that I wasn't afraid to ask, I just didn't have the time. I'll do it next week, next month, soon. I finally stopped avoiding the question, faced my fears and found out the truth – My own good sense and clear thinking had become clouded.
Society's prejudicial opinion of men who wear women's clothing and of homosexuals had overridden my thoughts. I overcame most of those society-induced fears by working with gays. One of the best businessmen that I have ever worked for was gay. Several admired and respected co-workers were lesbians. I found them to be exactly like anyone else. They came in all sizes, shapes, colors and characteristics. Knowing those people caused the stereotypes to disintegrate. It no longer mattered to me if someone was homosexual. After all, why should it?
So don't let the stereotypical views deter you from self-examination. Those views are wrong and you need to find the truth to achieve lasting happiness. Independent of what other's think, what do you think – Are you a homosexual?
Are you sexually attracted by men? By women? Do you want to have a physically intimate relationship with another man? With a woman?
Is it possible for you to have an emotional connection with another man without being a homosexual?
Is it okay if you are a homosexual? Is it okay if others are? How do your emotions fit this question?
Is homosexuality compatible with your current life style or would you change anything if you discovered you were a homosexual?
Do you need help in understanding and accepting the truth? What support resources are available to help you find the answers? Family, friends, correspondents, therapists?
What do you think you should do next?
Some of you certainly found your answer in this series of questions even though the majority of transvestites are heterosexual. If you are clearly a homosexual, then your next step is to decide what action to take in making your life correspond to this discovery. If you are still trying to find the truth perhaps you share some of the worrisome questions that I still faced.
I found myself fascinated by two of the male-to-female cross-dressers with whom I corresponded. They sent several photos that I found provocative. My reaction disturbed me and reinforced my fears and again I was afraid of the truth. It seemed easier if not better not to look at the question. Finally I looked. When is this going to get easy? The next question – Was I bisexual?
I assumed that if a person had approximately equal sexual attraction to men and women then he could be considered a bisexual. Was this my answer? The pictures had turned me on and they were guys so didn't that make me bisexual? After a while it became apparent that it was their appearance as women that attracted me. While I was attracted by the impression I finally understood that I wasn't attracted by a man. I was projecting their feminine appearance onto myself. I wanted to adopt the sexy, feminine image that I saw in others whether they were women or men dressed as women. I had long-denied these very real sexual feelings but they didn't mean that I was bisexual.
It took awhile to understand that I could admit the attraction but still be free to choose not to act on those feelings. I could have erotic feelings for women and for the feminine mystique displayed by cross-dressers without being bad. I could admit my true feelings while reaffirming my commitment to my marriage. It was not an either/or choice. I could stop denying the truth. That was a liberating discovery.
Finding answers to difficult questions was infinitely better than remaining in the dark. I had suffered far too much for far too long. I could see the problems caused by believing negative stereotypes; how those thoughts repressed my true spirit; how they caused me to be far less happy and content than I could be. It was definitely time for a change. Now it's your turn to find out – Are you bisexual?
Do you have sexual feelings towards both men and women? Are those feelings for men dressed as women? Must you act on or explore these feelings?
Could the feelings be of warmth and compassion instead of sexual?
What is your attraction to multi-sex relationships? Having an affair? Group sex?
Is it okay for you to be bisexual? Is it okay for others?
Do erotic sexual feelings make you a bad person? Are you concerned about your feelings or the reaction of society?
What do you want to do next to answer these questions?
Where does that leave us? Am I a transsexual? No. Am I a homosexual? No. Am I bisexual? No. What else is there? The only choice that society seemed to have left was sexual deviant. Maybe they were right after all. I had never seen any indication that men who felt and acted as I did could possibly be normal, well-adjusted, functional or productive people. They were always pictured as warped.
I am thankful for my correspondents, Tapestry and Virginia Prince's books. By myself I felt lost and unable to cope but with these resources I found enough positives to know that I wasn't alone. I had found well-educated, bright, considerate, spiritual, family-oriented men who shared similar feelings. There were so many of us who were solid citizens by any reasonable definition that it was incomprehensible that we could all be perverts. There had to be another answer but what could it be? With all this talk about sex could it be so simple as just being sexy?
I thought back to the sexual feelings that I had discovered while asking the bisexual question. Many men are turned on by a woman wearing sexy undergarments. If men perceive something as sexy on a woman why couldn't they see it as sexy on themselves? It seems reasonable to me.
I grew up with a complete supply of sexual hang-ups. Didn't we all? Those hang-ups inhibited the fun my wife and I could have together. When I finally divulged my cross-dressing desires to her we began to explore ways that both of us could wear sexy lingerie. The result was that I no longer sneak around to wear sexy clothes. Wearing lingerie became a release for my sexual inhibitions and provided a harmless, even desirable avenue, for long-suppressed exhibitionism. I finally concluded that I was basically a heterosexual male with repressed sexuality who wished to explore his sexuality. That sounded reasonably healthy.
Is wanting to be sexy exclusively for women? Is dressing and acting sexy unhealthy for men? Is there only one formula to follow for dressing and behaving? I used to try to deny my sexuality; now I'm finding out what it is. Why do other people make such a big deal out of this? Are they afraid of having the same feelings themselves? Suddenly the questions became much easier and far less threatening –
Am I a sexy person? Yes.
Do I want to be sexy? Yes.
Is there anything wrong with that? No.
Can I be sexy and remain a man rather than becoming a woman? Yes.
Am I simply a normal, healthy male? Yes.
Why shouldn't I wear clothes that give me pleasure? Why indeed!
Are sex and clothing the same thing? No.
How are they connected for me?
If sex is ice cream, then having sex while wearing lingerie is a sundae with hot fudge, whipped cream, nuts and a cherry.
In what ways would I like to express my sexuality?
Be much more free in my love-making.
Where, when and how can I do that without causing problems for others? At night in our bedroom in ways my wife and I agree.
Do I have to be sexy all the time? No.
Does having erotic sexual feelings make me a bad person? No.
How did your self-examination process come out?
Whatever results you found are okay. The important thing is knowing the truth. Whether bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual or a mixture, we are all human beings. Now that you understand yourself better, invest more energy in accepting yourself as you are. Incorporate the truth of what you found into your life. It may take time. It may be extremely difficult. It may cause upsets. But don't let that stop you from finding a resolution that benefits you and those you love.
If you have serious issues, seek professional assistance. You and I are not qualified to deal with deep mental and emotional problems alone and there are many who can help. There is no reason to continue to suffer in silence. Get Help!
Take all the time you need and pledge to yourself that you will –
Find the truth about you.
You can't give yourself a better gift!
