In the last issue we said that it was time to understand ourselves. Achieving a level of self understanding is essential to the healing process and a good place to start is with sexuality. When I started the process, my first question was – Am I a Transsexual?
At my simple level of knowledge, a transsexual was a person who believed that their true sexual identity was incongruous with their physical body. In my case that meant being a woman trapped inside a man's body. I started with this question because it seemed the most likely answer based on what I knew.
I knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. I certainly obtained strong, sexual gratification from wearing those clothes. I also identified with the appearance of women. Therefore, I thought that I must be a transsexual. How else could I explain this situation?
The problem was that even though the concept was appealing, I didn't feel like a woman trapped inside a man's body. I wasn't a woman. I wasn't a little girl. I wasn't trapped in a man's body. I was a man. I enjoyed being a man. Since that was true, I could not be a transsexual. Yet, I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. What did this mean? What should I do now? I was confused, and didn't know where to turn for clarification.
One question in the Boulton & Park Society's Transgender Research Questionnaire started me thinking differently. It asked if I'd like to become a woman on demand and then return to being a man on demand. That was a provocative concept.
I came to realize that I didn't want to be a woman, I wanted to temporarily take on the appearances of a woman. I knew that society didn't approve of a man taking on such an appearance. The dichotomy of wanting to cross-dress while anticipating strong disapproval placed me in a state of internal confusion. In my confused state I had concluded that I must be a transsexual. Now I understood that it was my perception of what was acceptable that had caused me to consider myself a transsexual. That perception was wrong.
I had begun thinking that I was a transsexual partially as a result of the emphasis on passing. As I tried to pass, I began to think that I was, or at least should be, a woman. Rather than being a wonderful gift, I found the ability to pass to be a curse in disguise because it kept me from understanding the truth about myself. I determined to be a man in a dress.
The use of a female name also contributed to my problem. I started out to use Rachel to enhance my feminine impression and for security and privacy. In time it became more like an escape from reality. I confused myself by using my female identity and thereby lost part of my male identity.
When I adopted the name Rachel and referred to myself as a she, Richard, the real me, began to get lost. Hiding behind my female name sometimes made it difficult to figure out who I was.
I got in the habit of speaking of Rachel in the third person as if she was a separate person. I came to realize that my feminine side is an integral part of me and speaking of a part of me as a she perpetuated splitting my personality and added to my confusion. I knew that I must retain Richard as my true identity and use Rachel only for security.
At first the concept of transitioning seemed appealing, but it required living full-time as a woman. It forced a choice between being male or female, and would have forced me to abandon my maleness. I had no desire to free one aspect of myself only to imprison another. I wouldn't improve my overall condition by swapping one set of restrictions for another. This either/or concept took me away from being myself and further confused the situation. I concluded that even though I occasionally wear a dress, I was a man and transitioning was not a good solution.
I read about the phenomenon of secondary transsexuals. Typically they did not experience the childhood feelings of being trapped in the wrong body. Instead the condition usually developed later in life. Since I began coming out of my self-imposed closet later in my life I wondered if becoming a woman would somehow be an answer to life's problems. Upon some reflection it seemed more like a specialized version of a mid-life crisis rather than an issue of latent transsexualism. I found that I wasn't meant to be a woman, but that I was working on the issues of being a man.
During my journey I learned several interesting things. Statistically, most people are primarily heterosexual but few are completely heterosexual. Everyone has a dominant sexual identity but nearly all also possess one or more other sexual orientations to a degree.
We tend to label someone heterosexual when they may be 98% heterosexual but experience occasional fantasies about a member of their same sex. Even our mixture of sexual feelings is subject to change over time. A man who considers himself bisexual may prefer a sexual encounter with a woman at one time in his life and later prefer a man. Certain people think they belong in one category but actually belong in another. I started out thinking that I might be a transsexual and that turned out to be incorrect.
At the core of these misconceptions is our failure to get in touch with our inner selves. We don't know enough about ourselves to assess our sexuality. It was shocking to find out that I didn't know much about this part of me. I had always considered myself to be reasonably intelligent and aware, but I was confused about this topic. Many of us become burdened by inappropriate feelings of sexual guilt and shame. We need to break those chains.
An extra benefit I derived was a greater understanding and tolerance of others. I discovered that I held negative, stereotypical views about people with sexual orientations different from mine. When those feelings came to the surface, I felt foolish for having them. I discovered that I needed an attitude adjustment. I can't fully understand and relate to the members of other groups since I haven't experienced the same feelings, but I have developed a higher degree of compassion for others. I came to realize that regardless of our sexual orientation we are all equally important to the well being of our community.
None of this was easy. I did a great deal of reading and corresponding. I received considerable assistance. It didn't happen over night, but it held the key to self-understanding.
Forget what others say. What do you think? Are you a transsexual? Remember that whatever you decide is okay so here are some questions to ask yourself to see how you feel about transsexuality.
Do you feel like a woman trapped inside a man's body?
Is it okay for you to be a transsexual? How about others?
Is society's negative view of cross-dressing a factor in seeing yourself as a woman?
If you could adopt the appearances of a woman without being ridiculed, would you want to become a woman or would it be okay to remain a man?
Will passing as a woman solve your problems?
Do you think you might be a secondary transsexual?
Are you having difficulty coping with life?
How do you feel about the concept of transitioning?
Do you hide behind your feminine name, style or persona?
Are your feelings clear on this matter?
Do you want professional help in sorting out this issue?
Are there other issues you need to consider about the question of transsexuality?
How did that turn out?
Is the answer clear?
Do you need to think about it more?
Don't judge your answers as good or bad. That isn't relevant at this time. Finding the truth is all that matters. Later you can determine what to do about it, but first you have to know what it is.
How do you feel about transsexualism?
