Let's Talk About Understanding & Acceptance
This time I am writing to you with Marsha looking over my shoulder with her editor's pencil...
I was very confused when I began my quest to resolve my cross-dressing. I couldn't understand why I did it and at times was convinced that I was gay or transsexual or crazy or just plain bad. I wondered if I could be cured and become normal but there wasn't anyone to talk to. The messages I saw everywhere passed judgment on or condemned cross-dressing so I remained silent. As a result, the pain and confusion remained trapped inside and the emotional pressure increased.
Finding a copy of the Transgender/Tapestry magazine opened a previously unknown world of help. Through it I found insightful articles and books by writers who understood cross-dressing. Most importantly, I found others like myself who were willing to correspond and share what they had learned on their journeys. I discovered that I could get help without judgment or condemnation and that relieved the emotional pressure.
With their help I learned that I was just a guy who had a softer side to his personality and sometimes expressed it by wearing clothing that society said belonged only to women. I learned that the standards of what is appropriate for men and women are purely artificial constraints imposed by society. As my understanding grew, the pain and confusion dissipated.
I discovered that cross-dressing is an integral part of my total personality, not simply a matter of choice that can be suppressed or set aside. I came to accept that condition without making a value judgment about it. I knew that splitting my life into separate gender compartments had caused emotional problems and found that I was much healthier as I became a more integrated person.
This learning process helped me to achieve a more balanced perspective of myself. It became extremely important to be able to communicate that perspective to those I loved, so I wrote this poem --
Do you love me?
You know me as a person who has strong spiritual beliefs,
Who loves his wife and is committed to his marriage,
Who values family and friends and
Who feels that being a grandfather is one of the greatest experiences of life.
You know me as a person who loves children and childlike things,
Who is sensitive, caring and compassionate,
Who believes in personal responsibility and
Who is committed to working hard and doing a good job.
You know me as a person who enjoys good food and fine wines
(plus beer, pizza and ice cream),
Who brings humor to the workplace and elsewhere,
Who works at physical conditioning and enjoys roller-blading and
Who loves animals, especially cats.
You know me as a person who is discovering a love for theater and the arts,
Who is learning to express his enjoyment of decorating, colors, fabrics and textures,
Who wants to be accepted and loved just as he is,
So, do you love me?
What if society does not accept part of me but I do;
Will you still love me?
What if I need to expose the truth about me to be at peace inside;
Will you still love me?
What if I take a chance and become vulnerable by disclosing my story;
Will you still love me?
What if I told you that I like to shave my legs and wear a skirt;
Will you still love me?
The poem helped Marsha understand me but I know, if given a chance, she still would rather not have to deal with cross-dressing because it is a difficult issue. There are many difficult issues in each of our lives that we would rather not deal with. Given a choice we would choose something else, something easier. Sometimes, like this time, we don't get to choose the issue because we are born with it. The challenge is to understand it, accept it as real and deal with it the best we can.
When Marsha and I took our wedding vows, neither of us promised to just stick together as long as life was filled with easy times. Because of our love for each other, we promised to stick together in the difficult times as well. I am grateful that Marsha embraced the challenge to accept me and to deal with cross-dressing the very best she could. With her help, I grew tremendously as a person.
So, if your husband has told you that he likes to shave his legs and wear a skirt, the first question to ask yourself is, "Do you still love him?" If the answer is "Yes," cross-dressing just became one of those difficult issues that you didn't choose but that you now have to deal with. It is an integral part of him. He can't simply set it aside without losing a crucial piece of himself. If he lives in shame and hides it, he will suffer the pain of emotional trauma. It is neither good nor bad in itself and doing it doesn't make him better or worse than anyone else. It only makes him different.
Knowing all that, the second question to ask yourself is, "Do you love him enough to accept him as he is and work together to deal with the issue of cross-dressing the best you can?" With your help he can grow as a person...so the answer is...?
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