An advertisement seen in the August 24 & 31 double issue of The New Yorker got me thinking about perceptions and expectations. The ad depicted a full length frontal view of a black man in most elegant and classic male attire...closely cropped hair, tailored suit, shirt, tie, clocked socks, brogue shoes and walking stick...with an overprint statement: "I'm comfortable being a MAN." So?
The model is attributed to be RuPaul, drag superstar. This conjured conversations and discussions held and overhead at several S.P.I.C.E. conferences that focused on the concept of "Integration." So pivotal is this idea to many women (who basically 'accept' cross-dressing in their relationships) that the planning board asked Richard (a.k.a. Rachel) Miller to make presentations to attendees two years running. The way Richard, and his wife, Marsha, present it, integration comes down to his being just as comfortable appearing in either male or female dress. He enjoys being Rachel with the particular joy and pleasure that can only be found there. He also finds as much, if somewhat different, pleasure in presenting himself as Richard and is as careful in that presentation as he is with Rachel's. He states that his relationship with Marsha is of prime importance to him, which Marsha reciprocates.
The couple talked, worked and sought ways to bring Rachel harmoniously into their lives together. Richard happily scales Rachel's appearances to the appropriateness of the occasion and to the expressed needs and desires of his wife. This has enabled Richard to not only integrate Rachel into his persona, but Marsha to integrate Rachel into their marriage as well.
A pivotal word in these previous sentences is "expressed." Richard inquires of Marsha and Marsha responds. There is no "romantic" expectation of the other just "knowing" what the spouse wants. There is no expectation the spouse will naturally perceive the other's needs or desires. No "mind reading" is required or desired. It would seem some number of women have come to expect "mind reading" as the normal if not preferred mode of living. "If you really loved me, you would just KNOW what I wanted." Or ~worse~ "If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you!" Hollywood has, for decades, catered to this unrealistic ideal....