At the SPICE conference in Atlanta this summer it was quite natural for cross-dressing to be the primary topic of many discussions. After all it was the common thread that ran through all of us and bound us together. Part of Saturday night's dinner conversation was about the appropriate attire for cross-dressers. Comments were made by several of the wives about the propensity for some of the guys to adopt the "slut-bitch" look. The waiter had just finished serving the salads with a choice of dressings and, unaware of what we were discussing, addressed the table innocently, "Is everyone okay with the dressing." Richard and his new friend Steve were convulsed with laughter and nearly on the floor. We probably were all okay with the salad part of the dressing but there was obviously more work to be done on the cross dressing part.
Even though cross-dressing was the core topic, the conference organizers ensured that it was placed into a balanced perspective. The program was augmented by many other topics and events. There was a pre-conference trip to downtown Atlanta for sight-seeing, drinks and dinner. There were breaks for Tai chi exercises and an afternoon of alternative activities. The program included bonding circles for men and for women to get to know and trust each other, a personality inventory to achieve greater self-understanding plus on-going breakout groups to work on topics of special interest. On Sunday morning there was a short religious ceremony to address spiritual needs. All of these events provided a solid counter-balance to the main topic.
When Richard was struggling to place his cross-dressing in perspective in his life he wrote a poem that provided a more comprehensive view of who he is. While technically correct, saying that he is a cross-dresser tended to place him into a narrowly defined slot that ignored the many other facets of his character. The poem describes how he loves me and is committed to our marriage. That he values family and friends and is convinced that being a grandfather is the greatest experience of life. That he has strong spiritual beliefs, believes in personal responsibility and is committed to working hard and doing a good job. That he loves children and childlike things, is sensitive, caring and compassionate. That he enjoys gourmet food and fine wines plus beer, pizza and ice cream. That he enjoys humor, works at physical conditioning and enjoys roller blading. That he loves animals, especially cats. That he is discovering a love for theater and the arts, is learning to express his enjoyment of decorating, colors, fabrics and textures. That he also enjoys wearing a dress sometimes and wants to be accepted and loved just as he is. That presents a more holistic view.
Having a reasonable balance is important in all things and is especially important to us. Cross-dressing needs to be handled like any other important marital issue. If it becomes the only or primary issue of a relationship, perspective is lost. It is one facet of the relationship, and an important one, but it is still only one. At times different aspects of our lives should receive greater emphasis. At times cross-dressing is center stage, but it cannot remain there permanently without causing damage. It needs to be offset by other things. Serious discussions of the issue need to be intermingled with the multitude of other aspects of everyday life including just plain having fun or our lives can be overwhelmed by cross-dressing. So balance is another principle to carry along on our journey and to check frequently.
Lest we take even this subject too seriously, Richard wanted to point out that while balance is important there are times when we should allow ourselves some imbalance. It is healthy to offset the difficulties of life and Richard's favorite escape is ice cream. When he was a child his family used to buy vanilla in 2.5 gallon containers and, with various toppings, it was the standard dessert at most meals. With this early training he has gone on to perfect the eating and enjoyment of ice cream. He claims to have performed a scientific survey that proves that ice cream fills in the cracks created by the sharp, irregular edges associated with ordinary foods. Those edges allegedly irritate the lining of the stomach; however, smooth ice cream fills in the rough spots thus causing your stomach to sigh with delight. He further claims to have recorded those sighs but hasn't allowed me to hear the tapes yet. When every day life becomes difficult, he likes to indulge himself in the therapeutic qualities of ice cream. So, when you are facing cross-dressing issues that are difficult to resolve, perhaps an occasional dose of ice cream or your personal favorite escape will actually help to create a better balance in the long run.
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