For many years I have struggled with the question of how to show the truth about my feminine side at church. Not being able to has continued to hammer at my sense of self-worth and has fanned the belief that I am not acceptable. In late August I wrote a letter to the pastors of nine local churches of different denominations, telling my story and asking if I would be welcome at their churches. I included a copy of a poem from my book that describes my overall character and places cross-dressing in a balanced perspective. I included an extract of an article that I had written several years ago that addresses Biblical concerns. (You can view those materials from "Let The Walls Fall Down.") Here is a recap of what has happened since. [These are the personal responses of individual pastors. Others in the same denomination may react very differently.]
The first response was immediate and welcoming. In his letter the pastor said, "Our church is a welcoming congregation and has had among its members gays, lesbians, transsexual and transgender folk. Though there may be a few of our members who are not as open and accepting as our denomination would like us to be, everyone who shares our religious values is welcome to become a part of our community." Marsha and I did attend services dressed traditionally and met the pastor. He could not have been more open, but I need a more mainstream Christian worship service and they are too open to meet that need. So we agreed that it wasn't the right church for me, but some of you might find UU exactly what you are looking for.
The second response came about two weeks later. In his letter the pastor said, "As you might imagine, over the years we have had a number of people with sexual expression issues including transvestite behavior who have participated in our congregation... When we gather for worship our primary emphasis is bringing glory to God - therefore I ask the congregation to set aside their personal agendas, struggles, successes and failures - in order to take our eyes off ourselves and place them on the One who is worthy. We are at best...a group of troubled folks - asking God to change us. If you want that - then come worship with us!"
We started attending services in September, still conventionally dressed. We found the pastor to be incredibly open and accepting, the worship services tremendously uplifting, the emphasis placed on developing a relationship with God rather than on observing rules and the people loving and friendly.
I enrolled in a potential new members program called the Inquirers Class and that dispelled any lingering doubts. I subsequently shared my cross-dressing story with an elder of the church who was the leader of my small group in the class. Rather than ramming Deut 22:5 down my throat he asked about my relationship with God and whether I had "done business" with the Lord. There was no hint of condemnation or judgment, just love and acceptance.
I knew for certain that I had found my spiritual home and became an official member in late November.
They consider everyone a minister and encourage reflection on what type of ministry might be appropriate. I met with two elders and shared my background. I indicated that I felt drawn to do something related to cross-dressing. Again, they were very accepting. We met again briefly with my wife and we plan to meet again in January to discuss the next step.
I'm not certain what will happen but I am learning to trust God for His direction. It is wonderful to finally be plugged in without hiding the truth. I still have not attended worship services cross-dressed but that will come in time. My prayer is that each of you will find such a home for your spirit.
A little over a month after the initial letter I received a phone call from the pastor. He had problems dealing with cross-dressing behavior but was very interested in talking. We had a lengthy conversation, and I agreed to supply him with some additional material about myself and cross-dressing. He had some pressing business but said that he wanted to meet later. Three months have passed and that meeting has not occurred.
About six weeks after the initial letter I received a letter from the pastor. My letter was disturbing as he readily admitted. "Well - I don't get a letter like yours daily! But thanks for the courage to write! I've thought about your letter for a long time and have discussed with our Associate Pastor too. We are torn. First, God loves and God is gracious. Jesus was a friend of all. He was available to people wherever they were! On the other hand, we are committed to Scripture... Your lifestyle choices, to us, seem in tension with Scripture. We could not condone your present choices as to sexuality and its expression. However, you are free to worship with us. I realize there is an explicit tension there - but I need to be honest at that point. While you could worship with us - your involvement as a member, in leadership or other roles would need to await a lifestyle choice that would support our sense of the Scripture's take on sexuality."
His response was in keeping with his beliefs, and he stretched himself to include me as much as possible. I responded with a letter supplying additional information much as I did with my Email newsletter. I also supplied some personal data and offered to meet with him to discuss further. I have not received a reply.
After waiting for two months, I sent follow-up letters to the other five churches.
Immediately after the second mailing I received a letter from the pastor that he had sent in response to my original letter. For some reason the post office had returned it as undeliverable. The second time it came through. In his letter the pastor said, "First, let me say that anyone is free to come and worship here...on the other hand, anyone who comes here needs to know that this is a very diverse congregation with mixed cultural backgrounds and a variety of theological positions ranging from radically conservative to radically liberal. This...can create turmoil within the congregation... It is in fact this reaction that has prevented our congregation to vote on the concept of 'Open and Affirming' which is something that has been a strong movement in the United Church of Christ... This...does mean that there are people who would react negatively to you if you came cross-dressed to a worship service."
He offered to meet and discuss further if desired. I wrote back in appreciation and indicated that I was making a commitment to another church. I said that there is a tremendous need to build bridges that will help cross-dressers come into a full relationship with God and that requires education to overcome many stereotypical views of us by church members and the general public. I offered to meet with him to begin a dialog on this matter. He has not responded.
I received a letter from the former pastor indicating that he was now with another church. I did not pursue the question thinking that a new pastor was highly unlikely to introduce a radical new element early in his ministry.
These pastors have never responded in any way.
They have a special outreach to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. You would definitely be welcomed in one of their churches. I decided that I wanted to break through mainstream denominations so I did not follow this venue, but you may wish to do so.
While there is considerable rejection, the good news is that if you are seriously looking for a church, there are accepting pastors to receive you. If takes effort and commitment but you can find a church home if you desire a closer relationship with God.