The weekly ritual for the guys from the office is to gather at the local brew pub after work on Thursday nights. Everyone sits around drinking beer, eating burgers and ogling the women in short skirts. Suggestive remarks are common place and are usually followed by another brewski. There's the requisite off color jokes about the latest sexual conquests, a discussion of who'll kick who's butt in Sunday's football game followed by still more beer swilling. Terry has worked for the company nearly two years and often attends these soirees. The guys like him because he participates. He doesn't feel comfortable acting that way but does it in an attempt to fit in. He gets an "A" for passing as a regular guy even though he's gay.
The single girls in the neighborhood meet every Wednesday night as part of a book group. They sip a soft drink or glass of white wine and discuss the intimate details of the latest romance novels on the best sellers' list. The hostess provides soup and salad (dressing on the side please, I'm watching my weight.) There is the inevitable discussion of the latest date news and the brutish behavior of the guys who act much like those at the brew pub. There's more talk and giggling as the night progresses. Shirley appears to be one of the girls but her insides are churning because she fears how the others would react if they knew about her sexual reassignment surgery. She has hidden herself well and they don't know she was formerly a man so Shirley gets an "A" for passing as a regular girl.
Larry strolls into his favorite upscale restaurant wearing his best Donna Karan frock and spiked heels. He is tall even absent the heels with a muscular build and angular features. He makes no attempt to pad his chest nor disguise his husky voice when requesting a table. With an Adam's apple the size of a golf ball it doesn't require keen insight for the waiter to determine that Larry isn't a lady. Larry is clearly a cross-dresser and gets an "F" for his failure to pass as a regular woman.
The question is whether getting an "A" for passing as normal is better than getting an "F" for being recognized as one's true self or are both results equally good at different times? In school, getting an "A" is the objective. We not only want to pass but want the best possible grade. An "F" is to be avoided at any cost. We learned that lesson well.
In our personal lives, anyone who is different has learned a similar lesson -- to pass as a normal member of society. I must cover any differences and strive to fit in. I must hide the truth about myself and pretend to be someone else. In many, perhaps even most instances, hiding is the most appropriate behavior. There can be incredibly negative repercussions when the truth is discovered in certain situations. We hide as a matter of survival and there is clearly a time to hide.
The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
Evening Solace
Charlotte Bronte
If we are to improve our condition though, there must also be a time not to hide. There must be a time to show our true selves. A time to let the world know that I am a lesbian, I am bisexual, I am different AND I am okay! We know when and how to hide since we've practiced diligently all of our lives. We are extraordinarily successful at this task. Now it's time to learn how not to hide. A time to learn how and when to let the world see who you really are. A time to let your grade point average slip from a perfect 4.0 (passing for normal every time) to something lower, perhaps only a 3.5, because you can afford an occasional "F" in order to remove the mountain of gender and sexual prejudice.
The man who removes a mountain,
Begins by carrying away small stones.
Chinese Proverb
Consider one of your typical hiding situations. How can you allow your true self to be seen? What are the risks you can take? Which small stones can you carry away?
